so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dicks are not precious.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize