Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
