She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
