1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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