Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just found puke in my bra..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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