I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
PANTIES FOUND
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