My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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