Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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