I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
