I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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