that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
