Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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