wrigley field is MILF paradise
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
