My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
