just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
