he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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