peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
