Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
