I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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