just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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