Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
