you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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