dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
