Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
