I think my vagina is haunted
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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