she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
