literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
