he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Found the puke drawer
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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