yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
