there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
