when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
