Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
