Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
