i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.