Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me