idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom