god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
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Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯