still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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