as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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