Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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