First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
