Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
