I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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