Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
