can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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