a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
