thus making me awesome and them whores
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
