You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
