what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
