My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
