I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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