it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
