I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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