I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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