my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
