Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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