she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
