For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
