I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
