I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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